Ain't I a Woman?

I often ask myself what this means... to be a woman. Do men wonder 'what does it mean to be a man?', do they ask themselves 'how am I achieving my masculinity?'? Me pregunto. I'm reading a book (shocking, I know). It's a poetry anthology made up on poetry from women all over the world, from Sappho to Audre Lourde and Alice Walker.

"If you put a bit of love into ugly things, you'll see that your sadness will begin to change to color." - Teresita Fernandez, 1930, Cuba

I think that was one of my favorite little bits of poetry so far, since my life has been so colored lately by bending emotions and sadness and ugliness. Not that there hasn't been a lot of good, just... being around a lot of very pessimistic people, the ugly tends to be more obvious.

My grandmother's nephew died a week ago, and my pastor spoke at the funeral service. He talked about how we can often see so much more through the veil of tears than when are eyes are unclouded, a paradoxical truth. Often in tears we can see how much we have to be thankful for, and we can see things more clearly... like the things that matter in life. People. People matter. Like Kant would say, people are not a means to an end, they are an end unto themselves. I think he's probably right about that.

I spent the weekend traveling around NC. I had an interview at Caraway Conference center for a job as a counselor at Camp Mundo Vista, a girls camp sponsered by the women's missionary union. The whole focus of the camp is to love the girls who come and help them see how beautiful, special and wonderful they are... because the second they leave camp, a lot of them will go back to a world full of people who are more than ready to tell them that they are not only not special, but they don't matter at all. The saddest part about that, beyond the fact that these sweet little girls too often believe them, is that the people who are telling them those things probably don't have a good grasp on the concept of love themselves. Too often we fail to see that love is not romance, nor is it emotions, nor is it lust... I think most people miss the point entirely. Well, I didn't get the job as a counselor... instead they offered me a slightly higher position... the job of unit leader. I'm really excited, in a very quiet way. It wasn't anything I earned or deserve, I certainly don't feel qualified. BUT if that's where God wants me, that's where I'll be, giving 100% all summer!

Until then, I'll be studying and surviving here in Supply.
Currently reading: Ain't I a Woman, Jane Eyre, Eva Luna, Glimpses of Grace, the Six Wives of Henry the 8th, and The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. I read too much.

"Don't you count me out cause I've fallen down, I have landed down on my knees again. This is where I find the strength to carry on. This is where I find the strength to stand, and I'm gonna be the last one standing, fighting for something much bigger than me... Clear the way one who is worthy of all my praise, He's already finished strong. I have seen the way the story's going to end, and I have seen who's already won." - 'Last One Standing', Mercy Me